I work a lot. I have one full-time job, and two side gigs. That's not a brag by any means; it's just the truth. The fact is, I've always done better when I'm busy being productive - you could say it's the space in which, for most of my life, I've felt most comfortable.
The income from these three jobs is what helped me get through my divorce, allowed me to buy my ex out of our house, and is now how I support myself and my kiddo.
The funny thing is, I've had these three jobs for quite some time. I've worked full-time for many years (almost my entire adult life), and one of the side gigs I've had for 12 years now. The other one I started three years ago (while I was still married).
One of the main points of contention in my marriage was money and finances. I know many couples fight over money, and I know many marriages end because of those fights. I wouldn't say my ex and I fought about money so much as we had wildly different views of our financial situation, and put in wildly differing amounts of effort when it came to our family's financial life.
For all but two years of our 12 year marriage, I was the main breadwinner for our family. It caused me a great deal of stress. In 2019/2020 I started really looking into budgeting, in the hopes of getting us out of debt and starting to save (which we hadn't been doing at all). I was feeling good and a bit hopeful that my stress level would start to decrease. I was starting to plan, which always makes me feel better.
My ex seemed to get on board with the plan, but didn't really. I was looking for a partner to work with, and he just didn't seem interested in having those types of discussions. It was tough. But I knew that the peace that would come from planning things out was going to be worth it.
I could say a lot more about the money challenges that arose during my marriage, but I'll save that for a later post. I started this post off talking about my different jobs. I'm very lucky in that I enjoy all three of them, but that also means that I spend a lot of my time working.
In the past I've definitely used work as a way to distract myself from my feelings - as I said, being productive has always felt most comfortable to me. I like DOING, as opposed to BEING, or FEELING. I've been trying to let myself be and feel more over the past several years, but it's been tough. I still have a long way to go with it, I know.
These past few weeks - dealing with this health scare I've been dealing with - have been interesting in a lot of ways. For one, I actually took three weeks off from one of my side gigs. I started back up with it this week. It felt like the right decision, to slow things down just a bit, while my anxiety was flaring. My boss for that gig (she's actually my boss for both of my side gigs) has been simply amazing during this time. I'm so lucky to work for someone who is so understanding and supportive. Being able to take that one thing off of my plate for a few weeks was so incredibly helpful. Although having more free time was tough...there was more time for being and feeling, which wasn't the most comfortable place for me to be. But I did my best, and have learned a lot about myself in the process.
I'm not out of the woods with my health stuff yet, but it's looking like I should have some answers soon, which will be helpful. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to try and spend more time being and feeling, and not just doing. My plate is really full, but I want to make absolutely sure it's filled with the right things.
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